… when, after Idiot Neighbors spend 45 minutes making an obscene amount of noise that woke my daughter an hour early from her nap, that I counted the days until my lease expires?

… that I fear we will NEVER move out of here? I mean, seriously. We moved here at the end of March in 2007. For what should’ve been ONE year. We were left with two options at the end of March in 2008: sign another lease or move in with Jimmy’s parents. I’m pretty sure they’re happy we opted for signing a new lease.

… that I know how many hours until my next fix from the chiropractor? (Seventeen hours and 11 minutes as of 10:19 Tuesday night….in case you were wondering.).

… that I MUST be perfectly centered and straight when I back into my parking spot at home and will back up, drive forward, back up, move over 2/10 of an inch, back up and so on until I’m just right? That’s bad, right? That’s over the top OCD, right? (FYI? If the idiots that park here knew how to freaking park, I may not have to be AS OCD-ish with my backing up.)

… that, not only is a rather expensive pair of sandals MIA, now a rather expensive pair of sunglasses from last summer are also among the missing? I’d like to blame that on the short person, but I’m fairly certain it was all my doing.

… when Daddy, pointing at Mommy, asks the short person “who is that?” and said short person answers “Pincess”? (Why yes, yes my kid did indeed refer to me as a princess. The hell?!)

… when you lurve to chat with people via Yahoo! IM and then find yourself cursing like a sailor when IM takes a major crap each time you sign in? Driving me INSANE?! Yes, I know, I know. I should go to the dark side of GMail. I tried it. I don’t like it.

… that I’m pissy my trial version of Word (and all other Office Suite programs) expired and to get the full version, it’s going to cost me between $150 and $400? Seriously. When you pay $1800 for a computer, you sure as Wal-Hell don’t want the TRIAL vesion. Why do they even make such a silly thing. So, until I either start crapping out twenties or the money shrub actually grows, I’m without my beloved Word (and other Office Suite programs). The HELL?!

… that today is my former best friend’s birthday and I didn’t call/text/e-mail or send a carrier pigeon to wish her a happy day? Why should I? She up and left me while I was pregnant because she was “jealous” and once she removed her head from ass and tried being a better friend, she still managed to screw me over. I’m SO done falling for her “I promise to be a better friend this time.” Okay. Sure. Fine. Just as soon as pigs fly to Hell that has frozen over and I start crapping out twenties, I’ll try our friendship again. Bite it. (Gee. Bitter, much?)

… that I want to trade my beloved Jeep for a moped? I’d settle for a Prius, but ever hear what they sound like driving by? No? Something like this: Mmmmmmmmmmgaaaaaaaaay (thank you, Jeff Dunham for that!!).

… that, despite all of the above, I’m actually NOT in a pissy mood?

I am so calling this a post and hitting publish. And there’s nothing you can do to stop me.

*Cue evil laugh*

I? Have a new addiction. Guess what it is.

(I’ll even give you a few clues: It’s not shoes, bling, purses or cake.)

Give up?

The chiropractor.

After the craptastic way I felt Thursday night, I went to the chiropractor Friday. I found one in my area that didn’t have obnoxious rates and was willing to cut me a little bit of a deal. He said “If I turn people in pain away because of money, what’s the point of me even doing this?”

Reason #1 I love him.

So, he spent an hour asking me questions and rolling spikey little instruments over my arms and back. He whacked my knees and elbows with a hammer. He poked and prodded up and down my spine and neck. He talked to me the entire time and said he could tell I had some issues going on and that he could help bring me relief as early as that night.

Reason #2 I love him.

He hooked me up to some electric pad thingies that made the muscles in my neck and shoulders vibrate. While this happened, he put moist heat wraps on my back and neck.

HEAVEN.

He then used a little gun thingie that sounds like a staple gun when it goes off. He shot me in the neck four times.

When I got up, I felt a little looopy. Like I’d been drinking margos with a straw for two hours loopy.

I liked it.

At my appointment tonight, he sat in his office with me and went over all of his findings. While I don’t understand the actual terminology (I’m an eejit, remember?), the bottom line? I’m sort of messed up. I have cervical nerve root irritation, disc involvement, intervertebral foramina encroachment, nerve root involvement, postural distortions, range of motion issues, my reflexes when he whacked my knees aren’t what they should be and the best part? My right hip is higher than my left (Thanks, Morgan!! Your 33 pounds Pamper covered ass? SO not being carried!!). All of this equals messed up.

He explained that all of these things are created from certain stressors. Physical stressors (being pregnant, carrying my kid) and even emotional stressors (hmmm…..me? Emotionally stressed?! Pfft.). He outlined my treatment plan and while I now need to either get myself to the county courthouse ASAP or sell a kidney to make it happen, I’m happy to know it CAN be fixed.

Today’s treatment was the same as Friday’s. And I feel even better now than I did over the weekend. My chiropractor is young (33) and super cool. Even when I point blank asked if he PhotoShopped his medical degrees because he has a certain Doogie Howser-ish look to him. He’s so cool, he wasn’t even offended when I told him he was not manually adjusting me just yet; that I’m far too chicken for that and only after I feel confident he won’t paralyze me will be allowed to do that. He’s very reassuring and says he’s confident with the right treatment, he can fix me all up.

Let’s hope so. Given I’ll be financing half of his wife’s new Lexus, I’d like to think I’m getting something out of this arrangement.

And now, I have the shakes. My neck tingles in anticipation for the electro thingies and being shot with the gun thingie. My next hit won’t happen until Wednesday. WEDNESDAY!! But, it’s sooooo far away!!

I wonder if there’s a black market for the gun thingie. I will have to research that. I’d even give up a year’s worth of cake for one of those bad boys.

If you have issues with your back, neck or whatever? Get yer butt to a chiropractor. Even if you don’t have issues with your back, neck or whatever you should STILL get yer butt to a chiropractor just because you can.

Everyone needs an adjustment.

In an ideal world, I would’ve slept in.

In my world, I was up before Morgan.

In an ideal world, breakfast would’ve been brought to me in bed.

In my world, I made the kid a waffle at her request. I then had to remove the waffle and replace it with yogurt and a banana at her insistence.

In an ideal world, my morning would’ve consisted of a facial, a professional massage and a day wandering around my favorite stores buying shoes.

In my world, my morning consisted of Clinique face wash being slapped on my mug, my own hands trying to rub BioFreeze into my shoulders and a portion of the morning chasing a 34 inch tall person around the park, followed by buying the little person new sandals.

In an ideal world, my afternoon should’ve been spent reading a book in the sun while aforementioned 34 inch tall person napped.

In my world, my afternoon was spent cleaning out the fridge, folding laundry, uploading pictures and mopping floors.

In an ideal world, my evening would’ve consisted of a homecooked meal, a glass of wine and a Dyson.

In my world, my evening consisted of a FANTASTIC dinner Jimmy’s step-Mom made, a beer and two simple gifts that made my heart do an Irish jig.

In an ideal world, I would’ve lounged in my bed with chocolate covered strawberries and a good chick flick while Jimmy corralled the child for bed.

In my world, I shared a popsicle with my kid while watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and corralled her for bed. I got to hear my favorite words from her as I kissed her good night: “Happy Day, Mama. I have happy day.” I was the one to get the last good night kiss and the last squeeze of the night. I was the one to run my hand down her soft cheek and whisper “I love you, baby.”

As much as I’d have liked the Dyson or some purty bling, I’ll take the two gifts above (thanks Steph and Diane!! You always know just what will put a smile on my face and a happy feeling in my heart!) and this gift. It doesn’t get any better than this:

It may not be an ideal Mother’s Day to some, but in my world?

It was.